Recently it’s felt like my world is collapsing around my ears.
For once this is not rhetoric.
If you’ve read my blog for - well, any length of time, really - you’ll be familiar with my penchant for physical metaphors next to physical things. (See: Falling in love, falling down stairs, and On break-ups and breakdowns. I clearly REALLY LIKE physical metaphors.)
This time, my world has been falling down around my ears brick by brick, as on a daily basis the house where I live has been destroyed by inept builders renovating the flats above me.
Do you know how hard it is to write with a sense of humour when your hallway is flooding, the lights flickering overhead like some damn poltergeist playing in the electrickery, watching your shoes being destroyed by an impromptu water feature streaming down the wall?
So, for legal reasons (hi landlords!), I thought I’d share with you some photos of the living quarters I’ve occupied for 3 years and been enjoying since June. And, for shits and giggles, I thought I’d write it in the style of an estate agent.
Spacious one-bedroom garden flat in Crouch End with hallway water feature, available immediately. £0 per month (unless your name is Katie Khan)
1. Delightful front aspect living room, with views over pleasant north London street. Front garden comes with rustic installation of bricks and mortar.
2. The property benefits from an outdoor gym tucked down the side of the house - ideal for those who like hurdling over rusty nails.
3. Unfurnished, with some tired upholstery in need of updating - carpets may need replacing due to dust/mud/SODDING GREAT PLANKS OF WOOD. Staircase open to elements with no roof on house: perfectly bringing the outdoors in. Barbecue?
4. Yes, that’s the back door opening from bedroom to garden - with handy burglar-proof blockade. Great views.
5. Sky-walk (unsecured). Just like in the Costa Rican rainforest! Luxury.
6. Stunning patio back garden, featuring (really) crazy paving.
7. Your neighbours above have a stunning balcony! Clearly pirate-lovers wanting to recreate an authentic ‘walk the plank’ experience. 24-hour access, all night long.
8. Get back to nature with an irreparable broken Sky TV dish (that you’re still paying for), giving you lots of time to read books and admire the inspiring city views just outside the window.
9. Flat comes retrofitted with personalised panic alarm - intruders? Don’t panic. Simply whisper through the three holes in your ceiling (one a cavernous 2’x2’) or mouth SOS to the visible upstairs neighbours. Perfect.